As a saintly sinner I've learned that not only is no one perfect, but I myself am on the opposite end of the perfection spectrum. I still find myself casting stones in the direction of the asshole that cut me off in traffic...right before I cut off some asshole in traffic......one hand always washing the other....and another one eventually biting the dust. Time and time again I am reminded of wise words that were once spoken to me "Shut your mouth, 'cause no one cares". Why would anyone REALLY care what kind of bullshit is coming out of the mouth of ANYONE? Oh they're so profound...an artist...a writer...a poet....a junkie...so profound......and completely absurd in their profundity. Blinded by the smell of their own stinking assholes....that their heads are buried in. Anyone that thinks their words are worth reading is full of themselves.......I am.......love, me. xo
Stark Raving Normal- The Truth
When you've been fucked as many times as I have, you develop a somewhat cynical view on life.....people.....and the way we interact with one another.I used to be a liar.....I lived a double life....had no idea who I was...until I was broken so badly from years of truths I didn't want to hear. Truths so blatant that I couldn't handle the honesty. Honesty was something I grew to fear, because the truths that were constantly presenting themselves were so raw....so painful.It literally took me years to embrace the truth. It took me years to realize that the truth didn't need to hurt. If the actions I take are thoughtful, and not self serving, I can avoid hurting the ones I love. I have been wrong to expect the same in return. I've been lied to by strangers, and by the people closest to me, leaving me constantly on the edge of my seat not knowing what was coming around the corner....but that's life isn't it? It shouldn't be. I have learned to adapt. With the lies,with the insanity and with the realization that people are animals by nature. They will step on one another to escape a burning building. They will lie, cheat and steal from the ones they love...then when questioned will act like they are innocent, and you are insane. I used to take pity on people who couldn't accept their own realities.....I took pity on myself when I was in denial. Now I have no pity. I have become desensitized to the point where I internalize and become self destructive. I used to turn to drugs. Now I turn to writing, a good beer or glass of wine and writing music. It still doesn't have the same effect. I miss my weaknesses sometimes. I miss my ability to say "Fuck it! Fuck everyone! I don't care what happens!" If you can do it, why can't I. Because I'm not you. Afraid of my own reality, afraid of myself, afraid that I'll succumb to my demons.I have so many people that rely on me to hold it together that I don't get the option of relapse. I am the only one to catch me when I fall. At this moment, the low is all I know. Going through the motions of every day life like it's supposed to be this way. Keeping my head safely buried in the sand and ignoring every blatant sign that things are not actually ok. I will not keep calm and carry on. I will no longer be another mindless drone that ignores gut my instinct. I will no longer sit idly by while someone I love goes down in flames. Knowledge is power right? Not always. Having the knowledge of "what is wrong" gives me no power. Knowing what to do with that knowledge would be liberating, freeing. I feel powerless, and at times a shell of the woman I once was. I used to feel so empowered, but it was false...based on the reality that I created for myself....so that I could function...although in retrospect I was barely functioning. I describe myself as a self loathing narcissist looking for a kick....I've had a love hate relationship with myself for as long as I can remember....and I still haven't figured out why. Maybe that's the key...maybe figuring that out is the only way I'll ever truly be free. People say nothing is free.....and that rings so true to me right now. Nothing is free. Not me, not you...not even freedom. It's just smoke in mirrors,the perception of freedom. The perception of being loved. These are all ideas. Ideas that I have over and over again gained empowerment from while falling victim to the realities of life. One persons reality may be another persons con. Then the con becomes the reality. I am sick of being conned. Sick of the snake oil salesman disguised as the trusted friend, sick of the wolf in sheep's clothing and the Emperor in no clothes.
All I want is some truth. Just gimmie some truth.
Truth is a matter of perception. One mans truth is another mans lie. A white lie is still a lie no matter what anyone has told you. If you borrow without asking it's called stealing. Failure to disclose the full truth is still a lie. Lying will burn a hole straight through your heart and destroy everything you hold dear.